be like the mountain
Control. Boxed in. Everything is contained within the parameters of language. Precisely described so we can make sense of it and rank it. There is a need to make sense, and understand why something happens or how everything works. It’s human nature, and not all associated with it is bad. Curiosity, after all, opens our minds and unlocks doors that might have previously been closed. We are often told who we are or who we aren't, if we do something that doesn’t fit within someone’s definition for ourselves, there is an expectation to explain. Even as I write this, I find myself redacting the urge to classify, to point fingers, or to over-explain my thoughts.
This complexity summarizes the core of my identity. Fluid. Ever changing, curious, and layered. The innate struggle that is built into being understood and seen, yet realizing that it was never this or that, we just are.
I have come to embrace a new way that rebels against everything I have ever known. I know who I am, yet saying that implies I can spell out a definition like another entry in the Merriam-Webster’s dictionary. I simply am. I can recognize what feels right, and what doesn’t, I can listen to my body, I can say what I’m feeling, and do what I actually want to do, when I want to do it. I know how to listen to that inner voice and feed that inner fire of my intuition, that often comes in subtle fleeting moments. I have learned to love the complexities within, the way I can relate to different worlds and beings, and see behind the walls that are built to protect ourselves from a world that has been unkind and has forced us to find refuge away from others.
Bell Hooks described queerness as ‘being at odds with everything around you, it is having to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live’. To me, that means looking in and acting accordingly; knowing what feels right to you, and having the courage to explore it. Perhaps you discover that it is not, in fact, for you. But perhaps you uncover another dimension of who you can be, for however long it suits you.
There comes a time when the world and boxes you had built for yourself, no longer fit around you, you can’t allow yourself to be contained anymore. Even if they were genuine and brought much love and joy to your existence. “your new life is going to cost you your old life” is a sentiment formulated by Brianna Wiest that alludes to the loss that you will experience as the things that were built for a person you no longer are, slowly dissolve.
For the last nine months, I have been experiencing this without fully seeing the whole picture. Turbulence, solitude, curiosity, conversations, new challenges, and situations that I never imagined. I faced the death of a loved one, which uncovered traumas, and family dynamics that I had largely dealt with from a distance. Yet, I found myself amongst family and traditions that reminded me of my roots, and what hadn’t felt like home in a very long time suddenly became the source of peace that permeated as I navigated the reality of a very human existence.
The energy has shifted, and I feel an important chapter coming to a needed conclusion. I recognize the difference between a plan and an intention, and my intentions are clear. They are rooted in a foundation that has been slowly built and a love for the way I see the world (that required giving that love to myself first). Despite the darkness and evil that permeates pockets of power in the world, I keep believing in my capacity to bring my ideas to life and am in awe when things and people come into my life that feel so aligned with the things I envision and care about.
So with that, I’m taking the first steps towards the creation of a dream— Conscious Intervention. A space that allows me to work on a mission to build a more connected world. A space that believes in the power of deep listening and genuine collaboration to ensure all voices in the room are not only taken into account but given a seat at the table.
The world was designed in a way that prescribes what’s valuable or not. It has resulted in systems that oppress and benefit a small minority. The signs are all around us and it’s time that we use our gifts collectively to imagine new ways of co-existing and creating room for diversity of thought and freedom to exist as we are, together.
Do you have ideas, a project, or an endeavor that we could collaborate on? Let’s connect and lean on each other to bring our ideas to life.
email me at juan@consciousintervention.org
