La Paz, Bolivia — 10:27 AM. Una Mañana Tranquila.
I had purchased a guided tour package for El Camino de La Muerte, a multiple hour descend by mountain bike in what is considered one of the worlds most dangerous roads. The plan was to wake up early, pack for the day, and arrive at the designated meet-up point by 6:30 AM. That did not happen.
Yesterday, I did a walking tour guided by Max — a local guide from La Paz, Bolivia, who generously shared his personal story and offered a glimpse into his city. Joining me were four others: Patrique, an older man from France who had embraced a nomadic lifestyle for seven years following a divorce; Adriana, a spirited French woman in her late twenties, who had been exploring Mexico and South America for a few months; Gabrielle from New York, who asked many questions; and Yup from the Netherlands, who emanated a warm and inviting aura. Time flew by, and what was anticipated as a maximum three-hour tour extended far beyond. Afterward, we grabbed some drinks, a perfect way to wrap up a day enriched by insights into the daily struggles, vibrant traditions, and intricate politics of La Paz and it’s residents.
Now, you might be wondering why I decided to skip today’s tour. I have to start by noting that La Paz rests at a lofty 3,625 meters above sea level, a fact not to be taken lightly. Adjusting to such altitudes takes its toll on the body and mind, a process that can easily consume a few days. Granted, the altitude played a role, my fatigue was compounded by my travels and the several flights across different time zones. Even so, I had every intention of pushing through, driven by the fleeting time left in this city and an uncertainty of when I would be back. I went back to my hotel relatively early, perhaps around 8pm, with the intention of getting at least a solid eight hours of sleep. But as I showered and prepared for bed, I found myself grappling with the decision. Did I really want to push myself in that way? Why? The cost of the tour was inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but the guilt of wasting the money was very much a factor. But money comes and goes and in the end, what truly mattered was my body’s need for rest. Even then, along list of reasons as to why I should do it accumulated in my mind — “Are you really going to lose that money?, What about the people you will meet?, The experience will surely be unforgettable!, it’s your last full day in the city, when will you come back?, will you come back at all?” Amongst this internal commotion, I set my alarm, without a clear decision. Even though I already suspected the probable outcome — my intuition was steering me away from it.
I awoke a couple of hours ahead of my alarm and as I laid there motionless. I knew that I wasn’t admitting to myself what I already knew, I was not going. The moment was idyllic, the world was asleep around me. Was it truly worth coercing myself into doing it? The prospect was tantalizing, my thoughts insisted. Yet, my intuition held firm, manifesting through my body, an urging to prioritize rest. I had no interest in cramming my day with activities just to tick boxes from an endless bucket list. Peru looms on the horizon, and I recognized the need for rest. Thus, right then and there, I determined to grant myself the privilege — a day of unadulterated rest, and an exercise in the art of doing nothing. Yet my thoughts urged me to be productive, to do something. I browsed yoga classes online, acknowledging the merit in doing things that we don’t feel like doing. Yet, today, it felt as if I were being coerced into this elaborate performance for the sake of self-validation, so I stayed put and I started writing. These thoughts and the courage to listen to myself, filled me with a sense of empowerment. My breaths were deep, their rhythm deliberate, a dance of inhalations that coursed through my core and exhalations that carried away any tension. It was quite cold, 28 degrees Fahrenheit, to be exact, and despite the layers of cloud-like covers I laid beneath, the breath I exhaled was cool, but reassuring. As I laid there, I reflected on the recent weeks that have passed, the enigmatic future that awaits, and the path ahead, reclining in my haven of solitude seemed inherently right. This act of surrender to the noble cause of rest proved to be a testament to the respect for my body and heed to my intuition.
I’m proud of who I am. I have become the embodiment of my aspirations as a young child. I am living the life that once seemed unrealistic, and unreacheble; I’ve surpassed every goal I once set for myself. Specially relevant coming from the small remote village in the middle of nowhere in Mexico, characterized by scarcity and a lack of opportunities. But now, as I look around at all the possibilities and opportunities that I have before me, I realize I can create whatever reality I want for myself. This puts into perspective the seemenly unattainable dreams that cross my mind today. I am convinced I am capable of making any dream, into a reality. My self-assuredness radiates within, and from this, I extend the best of me to others almost effortlessly.
But not all has been as clear as now, my time in Europe exposed insecurities, moments where I felt my confidence waver. A particular occasion in boat party in Switzerland serves as a poignant illustration, where the shadow of doubt clouded my self-perception. There were moments when I felt like I didn’t belong. Could I take up space in this environment? Self-doubt clouded my interactions. Yet, this realization struck me amidst the chaos inside my mind— those thoughts, were mere phantoms of my psyche. Looking around, I realized that I was alone in this battle. Others were simply immersed in their own worlds, I was giving others too much importance. While some air of pretentiousness floated in the air, they were of no importance to me when all was said and done. As I looked at my friends, I saw them reveled in the moment, as I, a mere spectator to my own life playing before me, was grappling with an existential enigma. It was another scene out of a movie, something unreal to someone who was thought by his environment, that he needed to keep his head down and work hard to blend into the background. Not feeling adequate as I observed the opulence before my eyes, which were clouded by my scarce upbringings. This manifested in a severe social anxiety, something I’m not used to experiencing. Through all this, the work that I have been doing came through. I had the capacity to talk myself through what was happening. Acknowledging the expectations that I was setting for myself to assume the role of being the life of the party. I recall stepping away to the restroom, looking at myself, splashing water on my face, and calming myself down. Remembering the absurdity of my thoughts, acknowledging my self-worth and giving myself permission to take up space and enjoy myself, to be grateful for my life, to embrace the evening, and the company of my closest friends. As I returned to the crowd, the universe seemed to work with me, as the DJ cued Suavemente, by Elvis Crespo. I scanned the room, found a dance partner and forgot the crowd. Dissolving my worries and surrendering to the moment.
I’m proud of this skill — the ability to introspect my thoughts and fears as they transpire. I discern my judgments, both of self and others, observing my patterns and behavior in various settings. A yearning to present a curated self, to fit a predefined mold, often emerges, yet I counter this urge with a call to serenity, an encouragement to breathe and merely exist. To let go. This self-awareness yields power, and grounds me. The time I have spent in solitude and the way I learned to love my own company come afloat and I’m able to go in and reassure myself. I am reminded that external influences are transient and I hold the power to let them affect me or not. The old patterns and habits start to fade into the back as I continue to learn to exist as my truest self in the presence and complexities of others.
Even brief exchanges with strangers enrich me, affording fresh vantage points. I recognize that while I continue to grow, I’ve grown and become a better version of myself already. Acknowledging this, is powerful. A tranquil aura envelopes me, a prevailing sense of poise and confidence. Clarity reigns; my mental canvas is continuously and consciously being freed of clutter. I am not chasing anything or anyone, nor meticulously orchestrating plans (or at least trying not to); I am merely attracting, and existing as I am while remaining true to myself. My intuition, a relentless guide, is ever by my side, and becomes stronger as I learn to trust it blindly and continue leaning into it. My self-doubt and constant overthinking, once impediments, are now reminders of how much work I have done on myself, and of that, I am proud of.
I’ve been gathering and formulating crystal clear visions of how I want to exist, and what is truly important for me in this moment in time. It is the accumulation of experiences of course, but a few recent circumstances come to mind worth highlighting. For example, the six-hour ritual-like session with Edo, the tattoo artist in Padova, Italy. I walked away with renewed vigor, not immediately apparent, but as I processed everything that was said and done, the pain of the needles, the conversation, and peeking into his mind and exchanging perceptions of the world. His mindset and determination resonated deeply. His worth ethic, a reminder that we are the only ones standing in the way of our dreams. We crossed paths for a reason — (can that not be true with everyone we meet?) “You’re a special person, Juan, much love” he said as we said our goodbyes. Brushing off his words as routine rhetoric, I later recognized the sincerity that colored his statement. Individual uniqueness does not imply the absence of others’ specialness. His questions, our conversation — a manifesto that underscored the value of perseverance, of grafting relentlessly upon one’s chosen path and our unique world perspectives. It made sense. Not least, I recognize the special in him, even when left unsaid. This is to say thatI’m convinced that manifestation works as much as you are willing to work for that which you crave. The universe works with you, it will not work for you, specially when trying to elevate into a new, better version of yourself. It’s a singular symphony, an alignment of who you are with what you do, a harmonious existence. So i’m left with a question that I don’t quite need to formulate. But I have conviction in wanting a life of alignment, the possibilites are endless, I am left to craft my own path. Occupying a profession becomes secondary to cultivating creativity, honing skills, conquering fears, and embracing a perpetual journey of learning.
Other memories resurface, like the drive to Lausanne, Switzerland, where a conversation with a friend revisited the reasons behind the passion for his work. I had asked this question before, and I remember understanding at the time. But lost in my own entanglements and lacking space for others at the time, my recollection was hazy. He explained how he believes the single most important thing he can do, is to advocate for the survival of our species and our planet. What good do all other things do, if our inequality gaps increase and our planet becomes inhabitable. Creating consciousness, with seemenly small things, is the way he can contribute to the bigger effort of preserving our planet for future generations. We discussed, the meaning of it all, purpose, goals, children, relationships, methods to slowing down and changing the way we live. Because I’m convinced the approach to how we exist must shift and an adjustment of how we rank our priorities, individually and collectively, is necessary. It is important to talk about the method and the approach to this; while we need loud, strong firece voices in this effort, that’s not how I choose to approach it. I offer a methapor, that of a big truck coming straight at us all at full speed. Impending doom. In this scenario, my approach is not to go to the front of the line and use my strength to try to slow it down. Because there’s only so much I can do on my own, and surely I’m bound get runned over. My appraoch lies in working the crowd. Tapping people on the shoulder and saying, “We are going to die, look, the fucking truck is coming! How can we slow it down, together? For you, for me, for everyone.” We have an endless source of human creativity, and our collective knowledge to do the seemengly impossible: to learn to exist harmonously with each other, and with our planet. It’s not too late.
He also spoke about why he loves climbing. Trascending himself. His physical capabilities. Trascending the human limitations that we’ve imposed on ourselves. Those moments of flow that bring meaning to us, as individuals. Moments where things stop and nothing really matters as much as being present. The world stops spinning. This paradox is what life is to me. How we are so intrincsinctly tied to one another. How we are unique and important as individuals, yet understanding that we cannot exist and prosper, without others and their respective well-being. The absurditiy of it all. How everything matters, but everything doesnt. (this last thought is not my own, but borrow graciously)
There’s a lot of things that can be discussed here, but all this holds true for me. They are the ingredients that work for me, and how I choose to exist. Boiling down to not chasing, to existing and being true to myself. To recognize the moment when the actions of others and their thoughts, are affecting my own peace. I love who I am, I love how I see life, how I approach it. While I love the idea of traveling, becoming a digital nomad, and getting lost in far away places and cultures. I don’t want to do it on a budget, I want to exist in my full power while living that truth. I don’t want to count pennies. I want to change lives, across the world. I don’t want to have to choose between staying put and builiding roots, and setting off and disappearing from the lives of the people that I love. I believe both are possible, that’s my goal. I want to carve stability in this way of life. Having the ability to be anywhere, with anyone, at any moment I choose. A life of abundance in all aspects of life. I want to pour into myself and those around me. I want to invest in people’s passions and projects. I want to give my input, provide my perspective and offfer my skills (Rick Rubin and his approach to his art comes to mind, you can read more about it in his book The Creative Act: A Way of Being). I want to understand people, exchange stories, create synergies and never stop learning from others. A collective effort towards a mutual conquering of ourselves and building a world we dream of. It’s worked for me, and I think it can work for others. I want to be invested in people’s success as much as my own. Not just as a voice in their head. I want to see their projects to fruition and see them shine and change the world, one project at a time. Because we are powerful alone, but unstoppable together.
So, what comes next for me is building that foundation, a foundation constructed through diligent work. Yet, diligence isn’t synonymous with neglect of self or relationships. My own person, demands balance — to chisel away at my goals while nurturing bonds and my physical and mental well-being. My aspirations, a multitude of projects, crowd my thoughts.
Consider my niece, adrift in uncertainty, her potential shackled by doubt. A whole new essay is possible here, but I will abstain and say I know I have the capacity to build trust within her and enable her to carve her own path. To trascend the limitations imposed to her as a female in a macho culture, that continues to teach their woman to become smaller and work in the shadow of men.
So, what’s next for me? A return to the United States seems likely in my near future, not necessarily the plan I had imagined. But my house remains unsold, a span of two to three weeks have passed since I’ve listed it. While inquiries have trickled in, the offers have not materialized. My thoughts have been preoccupied, deflecting them from the responsibilities left simmering back in the States. I’m not concerned. An innate faith in my ability to confront any challenge abounds, yet these matters remain on the periphery, and curiously, I find solace in this disposition. In this, I’m yet again reminded that I can make all the plans that I want, but the universe has it’s own plan that I am no longer resisting. I trust, and I adapt. Maybe this is a way to pull me back to Pittsburgh, it makes sense with the break I’m taking from grad school in the upcoming quarter, and with no physical place of my own to go back to in Seattle, this seems like the path of less resistance.
Strategizing ensues: a potential remote stint in Pittsburgh, using the fact that my house has not sold, to build my own craftsmanship and eye for design. To fix it up, to live there for some time, and to slow down. An opportunity to continue nourishing the important relationships in my life, and seeing new ones through. Amidst these plans, the thought of disengagement from social media emerges, time better spent building my dreams, and worrying less about what others are doing. Self-validation ceases to drive me — the journey toward my envisioned life takes precedence.
Steered by my convictions, certain principles guide me: attunement to my body, time in solitude, the practice of authenticity within group dynamics. Nutrition assumes its role as a vital source of energy, my habits reconstructed, discipline kindled. My transformation flourishes, transcending insecurities and nurturing aspirations.
Indeed, a transformation unfolds, my self-perception undergoes a deep positive recalibration. A serene confidence radiates, heightened by a crystal-clear mind. The pursuit is no longer a chase, but an irresistible pull, my interactions characterized by purpose. The blueprint for my life solidifies — a life anchored in alignment, authenticity, and unwavering resolve. I am determined to build bridges between individuals, to guide their triumphs, and, together, to kindle a spark that can alter the world with small but poweful collective efforts.
And so, I feel ready for the forthcoming chapter. With determination and conviction for interwoven care for self and relationships with your community. Now, I can’t help but draw a metaphor to the beutiful textiles in Bolivia. My approach moving forward is to weave a tapestry with my own life, where countless threads converge, each a representation of a passion pursued, a connection nurtured, a dream realized. With no fixed shaped in mind, just an intention to cover the ground I am capable of covering, and to weave in harmony with others around me. My journey is an affirmation, a testament that life’s pursuits are less about the chase and more about embracing existence, of living in resonance with one’s truth and coming home to ourselves for the collective good.
